100 Truths

 Volume 1 Issue 4 featured 100 truths, one of the suggested fall activities, scattered throughout the zine. Due to copying, cutting, pasting and everything else, some are missing, obscured, faded or otherwise difficult to read. 

Here's the full list. 

100 truths

1. My name is met

2. It’s my initials

3. And a small play off my older sister being mel

4. Making sure my next legal name has the same initials was more important to me than anything else when choosing a name

5. I always assume most facts about myself are obvious

6. I have a difficult time conceptualizing that anyone would dislike me

7. (I am either conceited or oblivious)

8. I have an overwhelming fondness of marshmallows

9. Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch

10. Und der grosser Fehler, den ich gemacht hab’, war nicht in Deutschland zu studieren

11. I am convinced not submitting that scholarship application in 11th grade was what split my life onto this path

12. I think life is meaningless

13. And that society is a joke

14. The idea of day jobs we hate where half of the shit we do is just to justify our being there is comically miserable

15. But I decided a few years ago I don’t do anything I don’t want to do

16. And as a fan of absurdity, irony, satire and complaining as a hobby, I can convince myself I want to do most things I have to.

17. I used to get in over my head so I would be forced to figure things out

18. I am finally taking control of my life and flying because I want to instead of to avoid a crash.

19. I try to complain less and express my admiration and appreciation for people more

20. I don’t think it’s working, a friend told me, while walking home the other day, that she didn’t understand how I could be so cynical and also so wholesome

22. I think I’m kind to others because the world is so shit someone has to be

23. Food is the biggest joy and biggest anxiety of my life

24. The less I try to please people the more people are pleased by my work

25. I had my first interview lately where I went “as myself” and didn’t try to hype myself up by wondering what someone else would do, how some imaginary being would handle it.

26. I’m justifying my 7 year failed relationship / marriage as an opportunity to research my novels

27. The only thing that bothers me is the time lost, the feeling I got a false start

28. Usually when things that stress me out are resolved, I decide they are dead to me and remove them from my temporary brain storage

29. My sister ran away when I was around 9, I am the only person she left a note for and she took my school picture out of the frame by her dresser

30. I wonder if we would be as close if it weren’t for necessity

31. I forget some people have whole families

32. I know I have to come out to mine at some point, the 2 left besides Mel & co.

33. I don’t know how.

34. And I just… don’t care

35. It’s liberating to talk about these feelings

36. I put off transitioning for a long time because I didn’t want to be a trans-man, I just wanted to be a man.

37. But hey, we adjust, after half a decade I’ve forgotten what milk tastes like

38. I wish I was better at following directions

39. Academics came easy to me

40. And it made it difficult to adjust to things that don’t come easy to me

41. I’m a walking cliché but

42. I’m a walking contradiction

43. (I am taking a break here to eat a pancake)

44. I am a control freak.

45. The positive spin on this is that I have visions that I am uncompromising on

46. And therefore pour incredible amounts of effort towards

47. I need to focus more on the positives

48. All the major main characters in my novels are one of my flaws personified

49. Instead of helping me work on my flaws, it has endeared me to them

50. Mostly.

51. I am awful at taking care of things

52. I consider myself almost childishly irresponsible

53. And am convinced I only keep on my feet because I am too neurotic to let myself fail

54. I’m more tea than blood

55. It disturbs me to no end when I remember I am just an animated corpse

56. I believe in reincarnation

57. And the presence of some deit(ies) or other.

58. I used to be jealous of people who believed in God

59. But as I find comfort in myself and my own skin, I take more comfort in the randomness of the universe

60. And I am grateful that I have no morals to answer to but my own

61. And no grace to strive for but my own.

62. I never got a driver’s liscense

63. Not wanting to publish using my name is part of what kept me dragging my feet

64. I wonder how much I will accomplish once I change my name

65. October is my favorite month of the year

66. I wanted so bad to be jack Skellington when I grew up

67. I have these little patches of facial hair

68. I think I am more proud of them that even the giddiest cis boy entering puberty

69. I love being surrounded by plants

70. The subtlety of their existence inspires me to strive for the same

71. I hate ska music

72. And I just fucking don’t get jazz

73. Complaining is one of my favorite hobbies

74. I try really hard to be a positive person

75. But I am still not convinced it is worth while to be so

76. My muscles are sore

77. I am glad I didn’t start transitioning before working on my mental health

78. Anything vaguely relating to medical shit wigs me the hell out

79. I likewise detest paperwork with all my soul

80. But for someone who hates paperwork, I sure keep a lot of spreadsheets

81. I am terrified of becoming an irritable or aggressive person

82. Equally for obvious reasons and because I don’t want there to be an issue with my HRT.

83. I work in electronics manufacturing

84. I guess my long term career plan is to try to become an engineer

85. But all I want to do is make art and zines

86. The only writing I really edit is my novels

87. I wish more people would take pride in the things they are bad at

88. My mother put a lot of emphasis on trying to monetize my hobbies and it has fucked me up for years trying to cover my costs on art and feeling guilty for it.

89. I aspire to be an ICON

90. But at the same time don’t care enough to play into social media and metrics and popularity contests

91. I didn’t realize for a long time I was pretty popular in highschool

92. Making artwork people enjoy from a healthy state of mind is so empowering

93. I was so afraid that my depression and anxiety was what made me likable

94. I’m pretty great

95. I hate wearing shoes or socks

96. My ability to eat chicken or not is a direct reflection of my mental health

97. (chicken triggers intrusive thoughts about cannibalism for reasons I don’t have space to explain.)

98. I have no solid sense of self

99. I have a scar on my arm from holding a pet lizard on a ride up a mountain

100. And a scar on my middle finger from a circuit board for an electric bus

101. And many many other scars.